


Separated

by Ellstra



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, M/M, Unrequited Crush, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-11
Updated: 2016-11-11
Packaged: 2018-08-30 10:45:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8530033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ellstra/pseuds/Ellstra
Summary: Saying Ben was his whole life is not as far from reality as Hux would like. Ben was everything to Hux - the only friend, the first crush, the one who got him to try pot, the one who persuaded him to get a tattoo. He put all of his effort, all his confused emotions, perpetually smothered by his father, in his relationship with Ben, bet everything on one card.And now he lost it.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I'm a day late again but here have my fill for "All the things I never had" of Angst November.

Hux sits by the window, his breath pooling up on the cold panel, and stares down onto his neighbour's’ driveway. He’s reminded of the very first scene of the sixth Harry Potter book, with one exception. Harry was anticipating something which would make life a little easier, Hux is waiting for something that will turn his existence into nearly-unbearable. Half-blood Prince has always been Hux’s favourite of the series. Ben liked Prisoner of Azkaban the best. But then again, Ben hasn’t read the books. 

Ben’s never read any fiction. 

_ “I can watch movies to get stories,” he remarked, “books should educate you.” _

_ “Fiction can educate you too,” Hux protested, “make you learn things about yourself. Grow emotionally.” _

_ “Is that what re-reading Harry Potter countless times is about?”  _

_ “Yes. Besides, we all have our guilty pleasures.” _

_ “I think I’ll stick to movies,” Ben retorted and reached into his pocket for a cigarette. He looked like a protagonist of a movie about motorcycle gangs or drug dealers who quote Fight Club and wear leather pants. Hux looked like nerd only missing a pair of glasses. Although they were a lot closer mentally, their appearances didn’t fit and Hux kept expecting someone to tell Ben he should find better friends. And that one day, Ben will. _

He never expected it to happen like this. 

_ “Mom’s got a new job,” Ben said in between two drags of cigarette. He’d chain-smoked three already. Something was wrong. Hux had never seen him this distraught. His chest clenched when Ben didn’t say more, making him say it. _

_ “Where?” Hux murmured. Ben closed his eyes and finished his smoke before throwing the butt onto the concrete and stomping on it with his heel. Hux hated it when he did this and usually called him out on it. He didn’t say anything this time. _

_ “D.C.,” Ben muttered. _

_ “That’s an entirely wrong Washington,” Hux said, hoping to see Ben crack a smile at the joke. His eyes stung.  _

_ “They’re all so excited about it,” Ben spat, “‘That’s a great accomplishment, Mrs Organa!’” he mimicked one of his mother’s subordinates. Hux forced out a moment of hysterical laughter. _

_ “When?” he asked when Ben fell silent again. _

_ “I don’t know. Depends on how soon she can find an apartment there.” _

_ “Do you have to go?”  _

_ “It might be good for me,” Ben said, sarcastically, and Hux realised Ben had asked the same question. _

_ “In the middle of school year?”  _

_ “This could be a good argument if my grades were a tad bit farther from failing.” _

_ “Promise them you’ll get better,” Hux begged, “I’ll teach you. I’ll let you copy my homework.” _

_ “I appreciate that,” Ben smiled and Hux’s heart sank, “but it’s useless. I’ve been trying to persuade them for a week now.” _

_ “A week?” Hux yelped, suddenly angry, “you’ve known this shit for a week and haven’t told me?” _

_ “I thought I could solve it myself.” _

_ “You’re a fucking idiot, Solo,” Hux snapped and blinked hard to suppress his tears. _

_ “It’s my life that’s going to shit!” Ben yelled back, “Stop making everything about yourself.” _

_ “Well my life’s going to suck too!” Hux turned away from Ben, “you’ll be going somewhere else. Maybe it’ll be better for you there. But I’ll be stuck here, in this hellhole and alone.” _

_ “It won’t be better there. Look how many people I pissed off here. Why should it be any different there?” _

_ “I don’t know.” _

Ben is nowhere to be seen; judging by Mr Solo’s shouting towards the house, Hux assumes he’s sulking inside. 

_ “We have a place now,” Ben mumbled. He was lying on Hux’s bed, something Hux wouldn’t allow under normal circumstances. _

_ “When are you…?” Hux asked, unable to finish the sentence.  _

_ “Next Saturday.” _

_ It was Wednesday, a cold and dreary rain-filled evening. Ten days.  _

_ “Okay,” Hux breathed out. _

_ Ben didn’t respond. He moved on the bed and made some space for Hux who slipped into his arms, wondering what it meant. Ben pressed their foreheads together, his hand resting on Hux’s hip, and Hux lay motionless for long minutes, not daring to move, barely breathing, his muscles tense. He feared that every little twitch, a louder exhale could drive Ben away. Soon enough his body hurt from the strain and he wanted to change into a more comfortable position but he didn’t dare.  _

_ “Why are you shaking?” Ben asked and Hux finally shifted, releasing his numb arm from under himself.  _

_ “I don't know.” _

_ “Come closer,” Ben wrapped himself around Hux, covered his slighter body like a heavy living comforter. Hux hoped if time were ever going to stop, it would be in that moment. He didn't know what it meant to Ben but it meant a lot to him.  _

_ They spent some time like this; Hux had no idea how much, it was a blur of longing and bliss mingled with sadness. Then the front door slammed and Hux extracted himself from Ben’s arms, unwilling but terrified of his father finding them like this. Ben sat up and looked at Hux with silent question in his eyes. Hux wanted him to ask but knew Ben wouldn’t.  _

_ Ben stood up and walked over to Hux’s window. For a while it looked like he might invite Hux to come with him, then he shook his head. _

_ “See you tomorrow,” he said and slipped into the darkness outside. Hux let the cold creep in, hoping it would soothe his sore heart. _

Hux finally notices Ben come out of the house. His heart skips. Ben has his signature set of piss-my-parents-off clothes and his leather boots. Hux can’t see it clearly but he supposes they’re dirty, covered in the mud Ben stepped into the evening before when they took a walk around the river. Ben seems to be arguing with his parents about something. He’s taller than his father and intimidating in all black. Then Ben looks up and catches Hux’s eyes. He motions for Hux to come outside, in his peculiar way that can’t make much sense to anyone but Hux who’s seen it countless times before. 

Hux is in his pyjamas. It’s cold outside from what he can see, it’s November and quite early too. There’s fog hanging low around the house. Hux puts on his coat in no time, cursing quietly as he tries to fit his cold feet in thick woolen socks into his shoes. 

He looks pathetic and he doesn’t care. He all but runs out of the front door.

It’s even colder than he imagined. The grass crunches under his feet and his breath comes out in clouds. Ben is waiting for him by the door and nearly smothers him in a tight hug. He smells of cigarettes and leather and a distinct after-shave Hux has only smelled on him on special occasions. His pillow smelled of it for two days after Ben lay on it.

Hux shuts his eyes to stop his tears from spilling and wonders if Ben is going to say goodbye this time. He pretended nothing was wrong the day before and continued with it during the night when he climbed into Hux’s room through his window. He spoke about a movie he’d seen, of a song that reminded him of Hux, and promised to see Hux tomorrow. Hux agreed to play this game, thinking there will be plenty of time to mourn and despair. But now, lost in Ben’s cold leather jacket, he thinks he wants some sort of closure. A “I’m gonna miss you.” and a “Don’t find new friends, you know they’d suck anyway.” 

Ben doesn’t say anything. He holds Hux close, tight enough for it to be uncomfortable, and Hux couldn’t be more grateful. His ears are freezing.

And suddenly Ben is pulling away, without a word. His hands catch Hux’s on the way and hold them for a while, cold fingers linked together and refusing to let go. Hux wants to kiss him.

“I’m sorry.”

And with that, Ben goes away. Hux watches him walk to the car, past his mother who tries to comfort him, past his father who for once doesn’t try to joke his way out of a difficult situation, and into the car. He slams the door loudly and disappears behind a tinted window. Hux keeps staring. Ben’s mother looks at Hux curiously, as if she can sense something he’s been able to hide from Ben for months. She gives Hux a sympathetic nod, one that he could read as  _ I’m sorry _ if he weren’t so mad at her.

Ben texts him throughout the journey, sends him snapchats of funny signs and beautiful landscapes, adding heartfelt messages in all caps on all of them. Hux smiles at each of them and feels a part of himself wither every time a photo expires. 

When Hux lies down in bed that night, it finally hits him. The house separated from his window by a thin hedgerow is empty and for sale. Ben is not just on another holiday. Hux is truly alone now. He hasn’t felt this lonely since kindergarten. 

Saying Ben was his whole life is not as far from reality as Hux would like. Ben was everything to Hux - the only friend, the first crush, the one who got him to try pot, the one who persuaded him to get a tattoo. He put all of his effort, all his confused emotions, perpetually smothered by his father, in his relationship with Ben, bet everything on one card. And now he lost it.

Tears rise to his eyes and he lets them fall, knowing he won’t be able to stop them forever. Sobs force their way out of him, taking parts of him with them. His phone buzzes beside him. He contemplates not reaching for it, it’s probably just one of his classmates asking him to explain their Maths homework. He doesn’t want to get his hopes up only to see that. 

There’s another buzz, and then two more in quick succession. That makes Hux raise his head and reach for the phone. Ben never texted once when he could send with bits of a sentence. Hux has always been torn between finding it adorable and annoying, seeing how Ben seemingly can’t hold a thought long enough to wait for the whole sentence. Or how excited he is to share things with Hux that he sends segments, hoping Hux would catch up faster than he can type the whole idea out. 

The brightness hurts Hux’s eyes, his skin stings from the tears. 

There are four messages, one from Phasma, a girl he shares desk with in most of his subjects, and three from Ben. Hux open’s the one from Phasma first, prolonging the moment when he can think Ben is texting him something along the lines of  _ the company my mom is working for burnt to the ground, we’re going back.  _

_ Wanna hang out tomorrow?  _

Hux stares at his phone, disbelieving. His relationship with Phasma has been strictly professional, if he can say that of two teenagers in highschool. They shared thoughts on the most important events of the world during breaks, sneered at straight couples sticking their tongues in each other’s throats, they sat together at lunch - occasionally with Ben too - and they helped each other study. But all of it on the school grounds. Hux has never sat in Phasma’s car and she’s never seen him with braces on. 

_ On Sunday? _

He texts back to make sure.

_ Unless you need to spend the day with your father in a silent prayer. _

Hux has to go to the church with his father of course. He doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to say no to that, not as long as he lives under his father’s roof. Sundays are stressful, always full of self-hatred and disgust. If only they could go to a less bigoted church. Hux is sure there are churches where the preacher actually talks about God instead of turning the sermon into a 90 minutes long lecture on how Hux is going to burn in hell no matter what just because he’d rather kiss Ben than some girl.

_ Is afternoon fine? _

He texts back. He finds himself wanting to spend time with someone, to distract himself from the loneliness. And Phasma is a very suitable partner for that. 

_ Name the hour and I’ll come pick you up.  _

_ Where are we going? _

_ That’s secret.  _

Hux’s phone buzzes way too many times and he notices more messages from Ben. He stops resisting and opens them.

_ What r u doing? _

_ Is it dark already? _

_ This motel sucks. _

_ Are you asleep already? _

_ Don’t ignore me, I know ur up. _

_ I see you’re online. _

Hux is tempted not to reply. Maybe if he makes Ben wait, he’ll get the  _ I miss you _ he wanted to hear in the morning. He opens the tab with Phasma’s texts again and types out a quick reply.

_ I’ll text you in the morning with the details.  _

Then, because it sounds like he’s a stuck-up businessman, he adds another.

_ Thanks a lot. I appreciate it. _

He doesn’t wait for her response, his mind already with Ben. He sees her  _ No problem.  _ in the bar on the top of the screen when Ben sends him a sticker of a crying sloth. 

_ I was talking to Phasma. _

He doesn’t realise how it looks before he hits send. He bites his lip.

_ I haven’t been gone for a whole day  _

_ and ur already replacing me? _

_ I hoped you’ll text me and tell me you’re going back. I wanted to have the hope. _

Kylo takes his time to reply. Hux watches the dots in the bubble move and groans. 

_ I hate this family. _

Hux wants to scream. Ben takes so much time to send this? He thinks hard on what to reply but he doesn’t know. He’s never had problems with talking to Ben - or texting him - but this seems futile. What’s the point in exchanging laments on their parents now?

_ I wish you were here. _

He types, his finger hovering above the screen. He sucks his lower lip in and deletes the message. Then he types it out again and sends it.

_ Yeah, me too. _

Hux falls asleep trying to come up with a reply. 

…

They lose contact after a few weeks. Hux used to tell Ben everything, wanted to do so. Now he keeps things to himself - his fear his father might make him enlist in the army instead of going to college, his growing worry he won't have any other choice because he has no idea what else he'd do. Phasma is a good friend, in many ways better than Ben, and Hux suspects she knows more about him than she shows. But she doesn't bring it up and Hux can't make himself do it either. 

The pauses between Ben’s texts go from a couple of hours to a couple of days and Hux tries hard not to worry about it. Then they go from asking after Hux's days and well-being out of curiosity to asking out of politeness or maybe pity and Hux wants to tell Ben to spare himself the effort. His days are divided in between anxious anticipating of another meaningless, superficial text and stressful waiting to message Ben back while appearing he isn’t glued to the phone and living on the few  _ how are you doing? _ he can get.

Hux has always known he was more dependent on Ben than Ben could ever be on him. He’s made his peace with it, with the fact that though he seems quite distant and unbothered by emotions, he clings onto the one person he’s found worthy like it’s a matter of life and death. But he thought he’ll be allowed to keep up the pretence of Ben caring for him too for longer.

Then one day, Hux receives an odd series of texts.

_ Come online on Skype.  _

_ I wanna tell u something. _

_ But not in texts _ .

_ Please Hux. _

Hux has to download Skype again first, not having used it in a few years. He’s almost forgotten his username.

Ben’s calling him the second he logs in. Hux takes a deep breath before accepting the call.

“Hey Hux,” Ben smiles coyly.

“Hi,” Hux replies, throat tight.

“I’d like you to meet someone,” Ben motions for someone to join him in the camera’s visual field, “this is Leo. My boyfriend.”

“Hi,” a smiling boy waves at Hux, “pleased to meet you. I’ve heard a lot about you.”

“Oh.”

Leo is ginger, tall and thin. And freckly in the adorable way, like gingers should be. He looks like Hux, but better. 

Hux feels sick.

“That’s...nice,” he manages to say.

“I’ll leave you to your call,” Leo says and leaves the picture again. Hux is glad he didn’t kiss Ben’s cheek or something. He thinks he’d throw up if he saw it.

“So...um…” Ben mumbles. His cheeks are red. Like that time when Hux pushed him into a heap of fresh-fallen snow and rubbed his cheeks with it long enough to hurt him.

“Is he the reason why you haven’t been texting me much?” Hux asks cruelly. If Ben has the audacity to show him his boyfriend, Hux can surely be blunt.

“Yeah,” Ben admits, “I remembered how I told you I will never find any friends. And then I did and… I didn’t want you to think I was abandoning you.”

“So you stopped talking to me to avoid making me feel left-out?”

“I’m sorry. You know I’m an idiot.”

“No, no, no, no, you can’t talk yourself out of this one.”

“Right.”

“So…” Hux tries hard not to think of his own resemblance to Leo, “a boyfriend?”

“Yeah.”

“I hope he’s worth it.”

“You sound like a third-wheel in a stupid rom-com.”

“Am I not though?”

“Hux,” Ben sighs, “what are you trying to say? What do you want me to say?”

“I don’t know.”

“I’ll talk to you more,” Ben promises, “if you still want that?”

“Of course,” Hux smiles weakly, willing his tears away. 

“Great. So imagine this…”

When Hux ends the call a few hours later, he’s torn apart and emotionally exhausted. For the first time since Ben left, he didn’t feel alone. He’s forgotten how easy talking to Ben is, how effortless and inspirational every minute between them is. 

“Does it feel this good with him?” Hux asks the blank screen the question he was swallowing all the time. 

The happiness from hearing Ben’s voice again - Ben’s voice which he’d heard change from a boyish shrill to the deep mesmerising flow - is gone when he imagines Ben taking Leo in his arms at this very moment. Ben’s thick lips might be kissing Leo’s annoyingly appealing neck while Hux is sitting in his bed surrounded by junk food wrappers. Hux imagines what Ben’s kisses might feel like, imagines hushed  _ I love you _ ’s and cold feet tangled in sheets, imagines pulling hair and tickles. He imagines all the things he’s never had. Things Ben is giving to a complete stranger.

He feels like smashing a window with his bare hands. 

But he also feels cleansed and free. He can dismiss the idea of Ben pining over him from across the whole country. At least one of them got out of their little bubble. And if Ben could do it, so can Hux.   
  


**Author's Note:**

> Find [me on tumblr](http://ellstra.tumblr.com/) or [reblog this fic!](http://ellstra.tumblr.com/post/153052795972/separated)


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